Sick of the TV, and unable to concentrate on a book, but
longing to do something constructive while I was down, I decided I would pull
out some old home movies.
I have several movies, on VHS that I had taken of our son
with my sister's video camera - the popular and probably only means back then.
Honestly, I don't think I have ever watched these videos. I am sure I have
never shown them to Matt. I was ready for a marathon. I pulled up and old
favorite chair, directly in front of the television, got my blankie, the remote
and got ready to put my feet up while I whiled away the hours - at least 8 of
them. Life never felt so good.
I started with the videos of Matthew when he had made the local
news. They were the shortest ones so it helped me feel like I had a good start
on the stack. I remembered two times he
was newsworthy, but I found out there were 3 - at least so far. ;-) After viewing those, I watched
each birthday party that was recorded. I found that the videos stopped at age
13. I watched age 2, 3, and 4 and then the one I made of him at age 13. This last one also
included quite a lot of information about our new acreage - we moved when he
was 11- and my husband spraying the fields, complete with my dissertation.
I had been feeling like such a lousy parent of late and
truthfully, I feel like this may have been the Lord's prompting to show me I
wasn't so bad after all. Don't worry young parents, you will feel like this
once in a while too. It is just part of parenting I believe. Especially once it
is all over and one has plenty of time to look back.
I found instead of the wicked villain I had perceived myself.
I was polite, encouraging and supportive. Truthfully, I was shocked. Now I know
there were many times, I was not a fair parent. I yelled too much, I was too
strict, I didn't pay attention at times I should have. These were the things
that were running through my mind over and over. I knew I had spent too much
time on the computer, trying to learn to make web pages with hopes of creating
a job from home that would help us financially without me having to work
outside the home. I spent too much time talking with friends on the phone,
trying to help and minister to them believing that is what a good Christian
would do. I regret much of that, now. I regret associations I joined, knowing
they ended up in chaos, and mostly all for naught. With all of that, I needed
this video. I saw someone I didn't know. And I don't mean to make this about
me. It isn't. It is about our loving God, Who is always there to encourage us
when we are feeling at our absolute worst. I needed some normalcy to life, to
help me remember I didn't do everything wrong, and my day in video land gave it
to me.
So with that, I thought it would be fun to write about some
of the highlights. You know a mama always LOVES best to be able talk about her
child! I laughed and I cried as I watched. I will try to keep this as upbeat as
possible.
After viewing a couple hours of Matthew's 3rd birthday...and
we are talking 3 days of celebration...I asked Matt what his favorite part of
everything. Without any prompting, he
didn't miss a beat when he answered "Jesus." After 3 parties in 3
days, 3 cakes and mounds of presents for a 3 year old, and lots of kids in
attendance, that is exactly what a
mama wants to hear. It warmed my heart then, and it warms my heart even more
now.
Another thing that especially made me laugh was when we were
making a birthday cake. It was for his 3rd birthday, I think. He kept asking if
he could lick the frosting, and me admonishing him not to put his fingers in
it. I promised him a taste when we were done. I finally relented (and I am
thankful I did) and gave him a small spoonful, with frosting just at the tip of
the spoon. I then continued frosting the cake while telling him to wait until
we were done for more. Just then, he fell off the little step-stool he was
standing on and while trying to catch himself, his hand went directly into the
cake getting frosting all over his fingers. He looked delighted at this turn of
events and I laughed so hard! He got to lick his fingers after all.
I guess his 3rd birthday must have been quite a milestone
and especially eventful. He had quite a large party with several guests. There
were so many gifts, that I didn't want to hold people up or have them get bored
by taking so much time opening them. So we carefully opened packages removing
the gift wrap, but I didn't allow him to play with the gift or remove the
packaging it came in. He was so good about letting me set each gift aside and
moving on to the next thing; but it was obvious there were times he just wanted
to play with the item he had received. Finally it came time to open one from
daddy and mommy. We knew he had wanted this gift and felt confident he would be
excited. It was a brand new helmet to go with his new roller skates. He almost
had desperation in his eyes, as he tried to get it out of the package after the
gift wrap had been removed. I had been side-tracked with conversation but the
video kept rolling on him trying to get the helmet out of the box. Now, as I
watched this video all these years later and seeing him so desperately wanting
to put his new little helmet on, I was scared to death when the camera came
back to me I would be telling him to set it aside. Watching gift after gift of
me telling him to wait, I was certain that is what I probably had done. But now
seeing this, I knew that would have absolutely been the wrong thing to do. I
cringed desperate myself to see what happened next. Thank God to my relief, I
let him open the packaging on this present and helped him put on his new
helmet. THANK GOD!! I reiterate!!! I think God knew I would need that some day.
I would have hated myself forever, if I had said no to him on this one. It was
time to let him splurge and for guests to understand. I'm sure they did.
When Matthew was a baby, I would hold him in my arms and we
would dance in front of the mirror in our living room. He loved seeing himself
in the mirror and me swaying to the music. As he got older, we would still do
this only now, he would hold onto my hand and steer me the direction he wanted
to go by putting pressure on my thumb. For as long as I can remember while
growing up, I danced with my son. This was one of the reasons, it was so
important for me to have a mother/son dance at his wedding. I felt it would be
the last time. And even if it wasn't, I wanted this moment symbolic of
something we did in his childhood. I was so pleased to see we had captured some
of these moments on tape. I was still lifting him up in my arms at 4 and 5 years of age and we danced until I
could no longer hold him because he had gotten so heavy. Back then, I think I
thought he actually enjoyed the dance. Now watching decades later, I realized it
was probably most likely that he simply enjoyed making me so dizzy!
Well anyway, you get the idea - our life in video. There are
many more videos left and I will use the rest of winter to finish watching
them. I can justify it with that New Year's Resolution thing...the one about cleaning
out and organizing the chaos in my life. This is a good place to start. And
after I have watched for awhile, I am sure there will be more to write. Stay
tuned for part two of the Home Video Marathon!
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