When Sorrow Is Offered Hope

 

It was a bright, sunny March day, and it seemed spring had arrived early. I knew it wouldn’t be long until my bluebirds arrived for the season. Their normal arrival date is around March 11^th , only 1 week away. I suspect due to the mostly mild winter and apparent early spring, they will arrive early. I knew I had to get out to clean their boxes before they arrive. I didn’t really relish the task, but I also knew from past experience it wouldn’t take long and it isn’t at all difficult.

I felt the warmth of the sun, without even a slight breeze and everything was so still, as I walked out the back door. It was actually a perfect day to have a small job outside. But as I started my task, I became a bit discouraged by the condition of the boxes. They are old and it is probably time, to replace all of them. I realized they were no longer as safe for my birds as they should be.

A walk through the
Raspberries.

The first boxes that I worked on went easily. But the last box that I cleaned, took longer than the other 4 all put together. It was in rough shape and the nest that was left over seemed to be stuck to the floor of the box. I had been negligent in getting to this box last year. Too, the box was a bit higher than the rest of them and I was foolish enough not to bring a step stool or ladder and too stubborn after already getting started, to go get one.

For no reason, I started to cry in frustration. It didn’t really have anything to do with the task at hand, or my difficulties in finishing it. It was due to the moment I walked out the back door, and I had felt the stillness, I felt only the emptiness. “It feels like death”, I told myself. It was all due to the fact that my little Arabian mare, was not there to greet me. And she never would be again. 

I know it is past time to be over the sorrow of losing her. But I also knew all winter long that I would feel like this come spring. I didn’t, however, expect it to be this bad. I simply cannot get over the sorrow and regret. Not only have I lost a loving, little friend who was my favorite creature to run away from life with, I have lost my life style. This is the first time in 21 years this property has been without a horse. Even as I write this, the tears come and the despair is great. As I went about my first outside chore of the spring season, I actually began to feel like I no longer even wanted to be here. Too many changes, nothing is the same. Too much work, which I am left alone to do. And all the hopes, dreams and desires from the past, now only linger in memory...much of it unaccomplished. It is now too late for a future.

There will be no more horses, because we cannot out live one, and it would be wrong to do that to an animal. I am too old to get an older animal in hopes that I might outlive it. An older horse requires far  more care and I would simply be putting myself in the state of worry I have lived the last few years, all over again.

I sometimes know it was right to put Juliee down, last fall. She was 30 years old, with suspected Cushings disease. She was missing 8 teeth and restricted to only a diet of soaked grass pellets and grain. I couldn’t throw down extra hay at night that she would have to eat to help keep her warm through a cold winter night. She was so fragile the harsh winter before, that I did not want to put her through that again. And yet, she had come through the winter remarkably. The prior two winters had been difficult with her suffering from a colic in March both of those years. It wasn’t due to indulging in too much rich green grass that often happens to horses in the spring. It was due to her not being able to chew her hay well enough for it to digest properly – thus the colic. She was doing well on the soaked pellets but for 2 prior winters I had readied myself for putting her down in the fall. This was the 3^rd year of feeling that way. When she came down with a leg injury, I felt we could no longer justify the expense. We tried wrapping it for ten days with a round of antibiotics and bute, but at the end of those days, it wasn’t any better. In fact, it actually looked worse. I couldn’t justify putting any more money into her. But I will always regret that decision. I should have given it just a little more time so that I would know I had given her every opportunity and not just given up on her.

I have carried on too long with the regret, I know. But it wasn’t just myself that I was letting down. It was my grandsons, and my little neighbor kids, my nieces and nephew. My son… We all wanted her to stay. I still haven’t been able to tell my little grandsons, letting them believe she was in the barn the last few times they were here. We can’t tell them. They had just lost their own two horses (not to death, fortunately) and a kitty. I simply cannot stand to see them sad, especially the older one who has fuller understanding.

Anyway, these were all the thoughts that ran through my mind as I cleaned my boxes for the birds that give me so much joy. But I only became more sad, and then frustrated as I tried to walk through my raspberry bushes, in order to get to the last box that I needed to clean. 

After I was finished with that box, I decided to go get the clippers and clip the bushes all away. I thought I would get them ready to have my husband come till them all away later this spring. In that moment I just wanted them gone. I wondered if I could get hubby out there to do it. That made me sad too. These were my mom’s raspberry bushes, but they too have been let go too long and they have spread until they are really unmanageable.

As I went to get the clippers, I had walked past the bleeding heart bush that when we first moved here, my mom had given me from my childhood home. It had thrived for over 20 years, But last year, it started doing poorly. I believe it was from when we stained our house, I hadn’t protected it properly. It was struggling and then I made a grave mistake of planting a flower next to it that I shouldn’t have. By the end of summer, it became apparent it was no longer going to make it in the spot it had always done so well. So I transplanted it that fall. What I saw now as I passed by where I had transplanted it, was that my beautiful bleeding heart no longer lived. I am heartbroken. 

So again back at the raspberries, I clipped and clipped and clipped with a powerful vengeance and still I didn’t get them all. (That may be a good thing. I guess I would like to keep a remnant.) Attacking the raspberries with every spark of anger in me, only helped a little.

And then realizing the futility of it all, I stopped. Letting out a sigh of surrender, I relinquished my mad attack on the raspberries, remembering instead how Juliee had loved to lean over the fence line and nibble at these raspberry bushes. And the silent tears I had been softly releasing all along turned to torrents….anger, sorrow and regret all wrapped up in a tsunami of destruction intent on washing everything that lived here all away.

I couldn’t do any more. I told myself I don’t want to live here anymore. Nothing is the same, nor ever will be. In exasperation, I threw down my tools and stomped off to the house. I had to pass by the magnolia trees I had planted a few years ago. Now still bushes, I had been watching them patiently every year, excited for them to become flowering trees.

I had asked a friend when I planted them, “Will I ever live long enough to see them become a tree like yours?” I had asked her.

“Oh yes”, she assured me, “you will see it in your life time.”

In spite of my anger and tears, something caught my eye and I stopped for a moment, to take a closer look. “They are turning green already”, I whispered in surprise. The snow is barely off the ground and they even have what looks like buds! I was absolutely amazed. In that little speck of green life, I found hope. Just enough hope to help me correct my perspective. Thank you, Jesus.

And then I heard the meadowlark sing. Pause. Breathe.

It was a God Wink in an otherwise ultra sorrowful day. I was glad I had cleaned the boxes. The raspberries can be for another day. I guess we will be around for that.

To be continued...

The Heart That Heals

I simply stood in silence, watching both directions unsure from which way they would come. I couldn’t believe the stillness. It is always quiet out here, but it was uncommonly still. As if everything had shut down; and there was no wind at all; not even a breeze.   

In better days.

My mare, Juliee, whom I had come out to spend some quality time with, came to us 14 years ago. She came with that name and spelling and we decided to keep it, though I had never really liked it. Until recently, she has always been an easy keeper and an excellent companion. Now reaching 30 years of age, she had only begun to present us with some challenges in the last few years. 

Today, as I spent time with her, she suddenly decided to lay down. I could tell she had had enough. She never lays down when she's with me. Of course, the vet who had been called for an appointment yesterday was a few minutes late. That is expected, and one can't really blame them because there's no way to predict how the prior appointment might go; or how traffic might take a turn. But as I stood there watching her, I couldn't help but wish they would just hurry.

As I waited, I quietly watched one of my favorite birds, the Northern Flicker, who flew clumsily into the Mountain Ash tree. Those silly birds! I caught the sound of geese crying overhead and marveled at them as they flew in their perfect V formation. Their cry is so very forlorn and yet at the same time so beautiful and warm. It seemed appropriate for this moment. It's one of my favorite sounds. And geese are another of my favorite birds...perhaps you prefer foul or game bird.

I had been texting on and off with my sister who was so kind and thoughtful to help me through this crummy situation. She helped me pass the time as I waited for the people that would come to help my horse peacefully leave this earth. My sis helped assure me I was doing the right thing.

My niece had just been here with her kids to say their final goodbye. And I let the kids give Juliee as many treats as they wanted. She was eating it up. ;-) (Pardon the pun.) It helped having them here. I noticed my niece took several photos which I know I will be glad to have, someday.

I wondered about my son and if he was doing okay. I kind of felt that he wanted me to wait just a little bit longer for this day. But then he hadn't seen the new decline in Juliee's leg...

The man who was to haul her off after being euthanized was here first. And he couldn't have been kinder and was another distraction for which I was very grateful. Juliee didn't get up when he arrived. That was a sign for me. Prior to this day, she would always get up when someone came.

I knew what I had done to cause that. I had let her eat too much, trying to baby her and spoil her before this dreadful hour. I had a vet once tell me, "Oh she can eat as much of the pellets as she wants; it's just grass." I feed her a combination of soaked Alfalfa and Timothy pellets. I knew better when she said that. Because both Timothy and Alfalfa are rich and could colic a horse almost as easily as grain. But this time I gave way; using her advice as an excuse, and I let Juliee eat to her heart's content. I shouldn't have done that, but I wanted to distract her from her friends down the pasture, so I gave her another bowl of mash. The neighbor horses had finally come out to see her, which I've been wanting them to do. I wanted her to be able to go down and see them a few times before she passed. It is a big part of her life and the things she loves to do. Today, however, I didn't want her down there because I didn't know how she would fare with them, or how she would do on the trek back. So I fed her to sidetrack her from her neighbor friends. I didn't want to see her longing for something she couldn't have in her last hour.

Anyway, the vet got here and I could tell by the way she pulled in and rushed to get her stuff, that she felt bad about being a tad late. I think she was surprised to see Juliee on the ground, because it was scheduled and not called in as an emergency. It's just not normal behavior for a horse to stay down when there's action going on. The vet, like the gentleman who had arrived, was very kind and attentive and got quickly to the job at hand. I couldn't be more thankful for the two people appointed to this task.

I had asked my husband who would come out to join us, to bring the check I had written for the man (undertaker, of sorts) who would take Juliee's body away. But apparently hubby didn't listen when I told him prior that payment would be on the table and to please bring it when he joined us. I got the message quickly when I asked him to give the man the check and he had no clue as to where it was. So after they gave Juliee the first injection, I had to run back in to the house to get the check. This broke my stride a bit and my ability to pass some love onto Juliee before she left. Perhaps that was for the best. When I got back, they were ready to give her the final injection, so I simply and quickly thanked them all; gave Julie one last goodbye hug and whispered in her ear, that I would see her on the other side. I turned my back and walked away, never to look at her again. I just wasn't able to stay for the remaining moments. I didn't want to have that as my final view of her. The sleepy Juliee and the pain in her eyes as she received the first injection to make her sleepy was bad enough to have to remember.

Well I meant this post to be more hopeful and meaningful and inspiring. Instead it's just a bit way too sad. Perhaps it's too early; or perhaps because my hip is sore I didn't sit at the computer and instead chose to use the microphone to put down my thoughts. There's something better about fingers on a keyboard when you want to write… I will clean it up a bit later.

After it was all over my husband and I decided we needed a distraction. We couldn't quietly sit and think about what had just happened and look all day at an empty pasture. So we decided to take a drive to the place North that is always our comfort spot. Or at least my comfort spot. And my husband is always gracious enough to take me. We visited my parents' grave; had lunch at my favorite restaurant and went to our favorite bakery. We bought all the foods we should not eat and our favorite bread, meats and cheeses. Then I bought toys for the grandkids and something for our son and daughter-in-law. Anything to keep a cooling salve held in with a tight wrap, to keep the hot grief from spilling out.

Articles I had read to find answers, said the day before is actually the worst day before putting down a horse; and I absolutely found that to be true. I think the initial decision is the hardest of all - the worry that you're not going to do the right thing. And in the end, I'm still not sure I did make the right decision. I was worried about getting her through winter; about her suffering; about not able to eat any hay; about being too cold; about being able to walk through the snow; and on and on. Then too, I'm not as young as I used to be and I have a new hip problem coming up which is extra sore today. But of course it has been a mild November and by forecast it's going to be a mild December. So perhaps this would have been a winter she could have gone through. But how does one ever know? The doubt rages, the guilt overwhelms.

I will always wonder if I acted too quickly. But I chose that over the possible regret of being too late. I’ve been too late, too...with a cat.

On our ride home from our comfort spot, I received a text from my niece. A friend of hers who is a "horse whisperer" and lover of all things equine had at one point told her this. It helped explain my feelings. It read:

"It is believed that the magnetic field produced by a horse's heart is stronger than that of a human heart, and that this field can have a positive effect on the human body. Some people believe that being in close proximity to a horse's heart can help to improve circulation, reduce stress and anxiety, and promote feelings of well-being and relaxation. In fact, many people who work with horses or spend time around them report feeling more grounded, calm, and connected to nature when they are in the presence of these majestic animals."

This is all very true, and probably why I have always said, cleaning stalls when your horse is there is the best job in the world and I never want to stop! But that magnetic heart is also why we worry more about them than other animals while they are here if we see decline.

Finally then, when it's time to go, it doesn’t end up being about them as much as it is about us… It's about more than just missing a beloved companion. We will miss us! The rides, the challenges, the part of us that we have poured into that life. It's a part of who we are and it is suddenly gone. When one gets to be my age, that is never coming back. We are too old to start with another. It would be selfish. 

That quote explained everything for me. A magnetic heart that draws us in, is gone! It explains why the grief seems so unbearable. But I guess that is also why it will heal more quickly and completely. I think that strong heart they lend us in life is also why we will heal more easily when they are gone. Maybe...

Thanks for the years of love and obedience, Baby Girl. Everyone knows you didn't have to do what you did - that you were actually the boss, but you chose, instead, to let me pretend to be.

Love Is Alive

 

Love is Alive by "The Judds" came on my radio this morning, as I was driving into town. It brought back some immediate memories. And I knew I wanted to share them. 

I've done some really stupid things in my life, and sometimes regret plays over and over in my head making me quite miserable. One of those memories came to me while I was listening to this Judd song; and believe me when I say, this isn't the worst of what I've done, by any means! But it is something I shouldn't have done and long regretted. 

When my niece was about 10 or 11, (I guess I don't really remember how old she was) I wanted to take her to her first concert. And the Judd's were coming to town. Now the Judd's were one of my favorite entertainers at the time; and I don't really remember if they were one of her favorites too. But she certainly knew I loved them and maybe because of that, she loved them too. 

Anyway, I was able to purchase some tickets and I wanted to make it a special event for her. The concert was in our area at what was then called the Opera House. It's just really a small venue, that hosted various events. It was going to be just us two. I wanted the one on one. So I'm sure we excitedly picked the clothes we wanted to wear and I told her we would go out to dinner first, at the Mexican restaurant right next to it. That way we could park just once and then easily walk over to the event center, after dinner. I almost remember where we sat at that Mexican restaurant, but I don't really remember what we ate. 

Of course at that time, there were no cell phones but I had snuck a camera into my purse (they didn't check purses back then either). I wanted so badly to get a picture of the Judd's for my niece. Wouldn't you know, the only camera I had, required a flash. Cameras were not allowed and certainly flash cameras were not allowed at that time. But I was not about to let that stop me.

I don't remember who warmed up for them, or if anyone did, but I know I started taking pictures once the Judd's started playing. It didn't take very long before one of the women who was monitoring the aisles and seating for the event center came over and motioned to me to get up and come to her. She was rather adamant with her hand signals. 

We were somewhere near the middle of the row, so getting up and going to her would have required going through and inconveniencing a row of people. I just shook my head no, I wasn't coming. I was just as adamant as she. She relented and let me stay and I mouthed a promise that I would be good and wouldn't shoot anymore photos. I guess I lied.

I don't remember if I tried to capture any more photos during the rest of the performance. I do remember letting my niece stand on the seat because she was too little to see over people's heads - especially if they were standing too. I let her hoop and holler and I hooped and hollered right along with her. In light of everything, I think we had a fairly overall fun concert experience. One I hoped she would remember. 

Just as they were ending their performance, when I knew it was the last song, I decided I would take one more photo. I wanted to be certain I got one that would be clear enough for my niece to enjoy. Back then, you couldn't look on your phone to see if it was a "keeper". The film had to be sent away to be developed before you would even know if you captured the image you wanted.

If I had it to do all over again, I certainly would have tried to set a better example. I was certainly not a good example for a 10-year-old, 11 year old, 12 or 13 or whatever age she might have been. I probably would have still let her hoop and holler. And I even would have let her stand on her seat; but I most certainly wouldn't have flashed a lightbulb in the eyes of the entertainers! Nor would I have blinded the people who were sitting around us. Hmmmm Maybe it was me I was concerned with when I refused to walk through them. lol

Anyway, I would not have taught her that it was ok to break the rules. And I would have demonstrated to her that we were guests and should behave accordingly. I would have preferred that I was a better example for her and taught her something worthwhile.

I did get a photo. And if I remember correctly, I put it in a frame for her to accent it for her to keep. It wasn't the best photo from that little, cheap camera, but at least it was a memory. 

But back to the present. As the tune on the radio kept playing, more memories filled my mind. I reflected on when Naomi died many decades after that performance that I had shared with my niece. I probably cried over that loss, even though they hadn't recorded anything together in a long time. They were just starting out when we saw them, and it was well past the end of their career when Naomi passed away. Broken-hearted, I called my niece, who is now in her 40s, to share with her the sad news. Naomi had passed and I still felt the connection with my niece because of that concert. I didn't even know if she still listened to them or liked them anymore. But I wanted to call her and experience that talent with her and feel that connection once again. I don't know if that was silly. Maybe. I just know even in Naomi's passing, Love is Alive and I had to let my niece know. It wasn't really about Naomi Judd or one of my favorites, "The Judd's"  It was about my niece! And a special moment in time we had shared together. Woo Hoo! Love is Alive!

Missing the Signal

I saw the sweetest little video on Facebook today. It showed a farmer in his field probably haying his crop. And it showed his little grandson running out to the tractor with his grandpa's lunch and a cool drink to quench Grandpa's thirst from the hot sun. 

It almost brought tears to my eyes (or I guess I did cry a bit) because it was so sweet. It showed the grandpa getting off the tractor, and the little grandson running to his grandpa for a big old hug. And of course the grandpa hugged him right back. 

I can't remember the caption on the post right now. But it was in regard to growing your son's up to be "country" and Jason Aldean's song "Let Your Boys Be Country" was playing in the background.

It was the most touching thing to watch because that's my lifestyle too. That's everything I believe in. But it also moved me because it brought back memories of my own grandpa. 

My little sis and I would try to help him out when we were little as he was haying his crop. When it was time for a drink of water, he would put his thumb to his lips with his little pinky extended making a flexing motion that demonstrated he was drinking. (No, not that kind of drinking! ;-)) That let us know he was ready for a drink of water. That was our cue to go in and get a cool glass of water from Grandma. We loved that! Then we would excitedly run it out to the pasture where Grandpa was working so hard...proud that we were now helping.

My youngest sister reminded me of that memory several years ago. I had forgotten all about it, but ever since she brought it to my memory, I can see Grandpa as clearly as if he was standing right in front of me right now, letting us know it was time for him to have a cool drink of water.

As I watched the video, and it caused me to think about this today, it also reminded me of another memory when Grandpa had signaled to me. He had a car that wouldn't start. Back then most of the cars were probably standard/stick shifts and much easier to self start than an automatic. But anyway, as he tied the car that wouldn't start to the pickup, he asked me to ride along with Grandma. 

I was supposed to watch him as we drove down the little hill near our house. When he signaled to me with a wave, I was supposed to let Grandma know. I can't think what that must have meant. I guess that meant he had been able to get it started, as he popped the clutch going down the small incline... She was supposed to pull over, I guess, so he could unchain. But I missed my signal and I just waved back thinking how sweet it was Grandpa was waving at me from his car. I don't know why in the world I didn't make the connection. Finally I think Grandma said something like "Isn't he waving yet?" 

And so proud that I had his attention, I replied back to Grandma,  "Oh yes, Grandpa has been waving at me!" And then I heard a sigh from Grandma and finally understood the furrowed brow and frustrated look on Grandpa's face that I could see through the car windows and I knew I had blown it. 

I guess I wasn't the smartest crayon in the box. I was shy and awkward and probably often missed the instructions because I was always thinking about how uncomfortable I was. Even as much as I loved my grandma and grandpa, I was shy and awkward with them too. I was never totally comfortable around anyone when I was little. Well, yet still. 

But anyway, those are just a few little memories from my childhood about my grandparents that the cute country video from Jason Aldean brought back to me today.I was raised country too; but I'm a girl.  And of course the song is mostly about sons. But that doesn't mean the emotions aren't every bit as strong and every bit as important. 

And the lesson in my post? Don't miss the signal when you're raised country. Ya gotta do it right! 

Enjoy this song from Jason Aldean. "Let Your Boys Be Country". 

I love this song and video...especially that Jason included his family in it. I want my boys to be country, too...'cept I don't want my boys to get too "wild with the boys". And I want them to stay away from "cold beer". ;-) 

One more thing I don't want them missing any signals, like I did! ;-)