The Heart That Heals

I simply stood in silence, watching both directions unsure from which way they would come. I couldn’t believe the stillness. It is always quiet out here, but it was uncommonly still. As if everything had shut down; and there was no wind at all; not even a breeze.   

In better days.

My mare, Juliee, whom I had come out to spend some quality time with, came to us 14 years ago. She came with that name and spelling and we decided to keep it, though I had never really liked it. Until recently, she has always been an easy keeper and an excellent companion. Now reaching 30 years of age, she had only begun to present us with some challenges in the last few years. 

Today, as I spent time with her, she suddenly decided to lay down. I could tell she had had enough. She never lays down when she's with me. Of course, the vet who had been called for an appointment yesterday was a few minutes late. That is expected, and one can't really blame them because there's no way to predict how the prior appointment might go; or how traffic might take a turn. But as I stood there watching her, I couldn't help but wish they would just hurry.

As I waited, I quietly watched one of my favorite birds, the Northern Flicker, who flew clumsily into the Mountain Ash tree. Those silly birds! I caught the sound of geese crying overhead and marveled at them as they flew in their perfect V formation. Their cry is so very forlorn and yet at the same time so beautiful and warm. It seemed appropriate for this moment. It's one of my favorite sounds. And geese are another of my favorite birds...perhaps you prefer foul or game bird.

I had been texting on and off with my sister who was so kind and thoughtful to help me through this crummy situation. She helped me pass the time as I waited for the people that would come to help my horse peacefully leave this earth. My sis helped assure me I was doing the right thing.

My niece had just been here with her kids to say their final goodbye. And I let the kids give Juliee as many treats as they wanted. She was eating it up. ;-) (Pardon the pun.) It helped having them here. I noticed my niece took several photos which I know I will be glad to have, someday.

I wondered about my son and if he was doing okay. I kind of felt that he wanted me to wait just a little bit longer for this day. But then he hadn't seen the new decline in Juliee's leg...

The man who was to haul her off after being euthanized was here first. And he couldn't have been kinder and was another distraction for which I was very grateful. Juliee didn't get up when he arrived. That was a sign for me. Prior to this day, she would always get up when someone came.

I knew what I had done to cause that. I had let her eat too much, trying to baby her and spoil her before this dreadful hour. I had a vet once tell me, "Oh she can eat as much of the pellets as she wants; it's just grass." I feed her a combination of soaked Alfalfa and Timothy pellets. I knew better when she said that. Because both Timothy and Alfalfa are rich and could colic a horse almost as easily as grain. But this time I gave way; using her advice as an excuse, and I let Juliee eat to her heart's content. I shouldn't have done that, but I wanted to distract her from her friends down the pasture, so I gave her another bowl of mash. The neighbor horses had finally come out to see her, which I've been wanting them to do. I wanted her to be able to go down and see them a few times before she passed. It is a big part of her life and the things she loves to do. Today, however, I didn't want her down there because I didn't know how she would fare with them, or how she would do on the trek back. So I fed her to sidetrack her from her neighbor friends. I didn't want to see her longing for something she couldn't have in her last hour.

Anyway, the vet got here and I could tell by the way she pulled in and rushed to get her stuff, that she felt bad about being a tad late. I think she was surprised to see Juliee on the ground, because it was scheduled and not called in as an emergency. It's just not normal behavior for a horse to stay down when there's action going on. The vet, like the gentleman who had arrived, was very kind and attentive and got quickly to the job at hand. I couldn't be more thankful for the two people appointed to this task.

I had asked my husband who would come out to join us, to bring the check I had written for the man (undertaker, of sorts) who would take Juliee's body away. But apparently hubby didn't listen when I told him prior that payment would be on the table and to please bring it when he joined us. I got the message quickly when I asked him to give the man the check and he had no clue as to where it was. So after they gave Juliee the first injection, I had to run back in to the house to get the check. This broke my stride a bit and my ability to pass some love onto Juliee before she left. Perhaps that was for the best. When I got back, they were ready to give her the final injection, so I simply and quickly thanked them all; gave Julie one last goodbye hug and whispered in her ear, that I would see her on the other side. I turned my back and walked away, never to look at her again. I just wasn't able to stay for the remaining moments. I didn't want to have that as my final view of her. The sleepy Juliee and the pain in her eyes as she received the first injection to make her sleepy was bad enough to have to remember.

Well I meant this post to be more hopeful and meaningful and inspiring. Instead it's just a bit way too sad. Perhaps it's too early; or perhaps because my hip is sore I didn't sit at the computer and instead chose to use the microphone to put down my thoughts. There's something better about fingers on a keyboard when you want to write… I will clean it up a bit later.

After it was all over my husband and I decided we needed a distraction. We couldn't quietly sit and think about what had just happened and look all day at an empty pasture. So we decided to take a drive to the place North that is always our comfort spot. Or at least my comfort spot. And my husband is always gracious enough to take me. We visited my parents' grave; had lunch at my favorite restaurant and went to our favorite bakery. We bought all the foods we should not eat and our favorite bread, meats and cheeses. Then I bought toys for the grandkids and something for our son and daughter-in-law. Anything to keep a cooling salve held in with a tight wrap, to keep the hot grief from spilling out.

Articles I had read to find answers, said the day before is actually the worst day before putting down a horse; and I absolutely found that to be true. I think the initial decision is the hardest of all - the worry that you're not going to do the right thing. And in the end, I'm still not sure I did make the right decision. I was worried about getting her through winter; about her suffering; about not able to eat any hay; about being too cold; about being able to walk through the snow; and on and on. Then too, I'm not as young as I used to be and I have a new hip problem coming up which is extra sore today. But of course it has been a mild November and by forecast it's going to be a mild December. So perhaps this would have been a winter she could have gone through. But how does one ever know? The doubt rages, the guilt overwhelms.

I will always wonder if I acted too quickly. But I chose that over the possible regret of being too late. I’ve been too late, too...with a cat.

On our ride home from our comfort spot, I received a text from my niece. A friend of hers who is a "horse whisperer" and lover of all things equine had at one point told her this. It helped explain my feelings. It read:

"It is believed that the magnetic field produced by a horse's heart is stronger than that of a human heart, and that this field can have a positive effect on the human body. Some people believe that being in close proximity to a horse's heart can help to improve circulation, reduce stress and anxiety, and promote feelings of well-being and relaxation. In fact, many people who work with horses or spend time around them report feeling more grounded, calm, and connected to nature when they are in the presence of these majestic animals."

This is all very true, and probably why I have always said, cleaning stalls when your horse is there is the best job in the world and I never want to stop! But that magnetic heart is also why we worry more about them than other animals while they are here if we see decline.

Finally then, when it's time to go, it doesn’t end up being about them as much as it is about us… It's about more than just missing a beloved companion. We will miss us! The rides, the challenges, the part of us that we have poured into that life. It's a part of who we are and it is suddenly gone. When one gets to be my age, that is never coming back. We are too old to start with another. It would be selfish. 

That quote explained everything for me. A magnetic heart that draws us in, is gone! It explains why the grief seems so unbearable. But I guess that is also why it will heal more quickly and completely. I think that strong heart they lend us in life is also why we will heal more easily when they are gone. Maybe...

Thanks for the years of love and obedience, Baby Girl. Everyone knows you didn't have to do what you did - that you were actually the boss, but you chose, instead, to let me pretend to be.