Snowflakes

I am a patriotic Republican. I have been my whole life, with the first President, I ever voted for being Richard Nixon. I am a proud Trump supporter and not afraid to acknowledge that. I believe politics in our life is very important. And I also believe we should never be hesitant to talk about that. Those that know me, know that full well. In my opinion, it is silence that kills. That is my philosophy of life. Whether it be the Gospel, the truth in politics or the harmful things of life, I believe we are to speak up. That is just who I am. I do know there are times we are cautioned to remain quiet. And that is equally important at those times.

With that said, there is a place I don't talk about politics and that is at work. I am a strong believer that my company is not paying me to influence, complain, encourage, or whatever else I might be trying to do by talking about the political state of our nation. I have always believed this way. Even when I owned my own business, I refrained from expressing my political views to my customers.

The other day, when I was at work a woman with a "Trump 2020" hat came in. It was a cute hat - not the traditional red, but rather a soft green, camo. Before thinking, I greeted her with "Cute hat! I like it!" And then quickly realizing where I was, I continued "Oh, I probably shouldn't talk about that here."

She answered with "I don't care! I am in Idaho now." And quickly walked away before I could say anything else. That was the full extent of our conversation.

We were very busy that day, and I had been helping a woman in the dressing room. I was on my way to get something for her, when I encountered the woman in the Trump hat. I don't think I ever got back to Ms. Trump 2020. I don't know if she bought anything or found what she was looking for. I am pretty sure she didn't leave without looking further, as she was headed to the back of the store.

A few days later, I was at work again, when I saw our manger and 2 assistant managers talking at the counter. There were no customers in the store. When I approached them coming back from folding tables, my boss asked me, "Did you see a woman with a Trump hat in here the other day?"

"Yes, I saw her; I told her I liked her hat." I replied.

My boss laughed and told the other two, "It was J." And then she proceeded to explain to me. "We just got a nasty email from her. She complained to corporate that someone greeted her, liking her hat and then the employee quickly said under her breath, that she shouldn't talk about that here."  She went on to say how because of that she "would NEVER shop at our company again!" Something to that effect anyway, that is not a complete quote.

 

"Oh my gosh!!!! Really????" Was all I could say. I felt terrible!!!! Now my boss did not reprimand me. She tried to do just the opposite, because she knows me and knows my work ethic and really the person I am. I always try my hardest and she knows it.

My boss is the same way. She is an excellent boss and goes out of her way to please the customer, keep happy employees and run a smooth, tight ship while still having fun. She isn't going to ever see this, so I am not trying to do any schmooozing. It is simply the truth of the type of manager she is and the store she runs.

She knew I felt terrible, I knew she felt terrible. She tries so hard; we all do, to keep from ever getting a complaint like that sent to corporate. I asked if the customer complained about any of the service she had received. She had not.  But that isn't what my post is about. I am merely setting the stage for what I want to address.

The truth is, I wanted to say "FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I AM ASHAMED TO BE A TRUMP SUPPORTER!" (to paraphrase someone from the other side) Good grief. But the truth is, this isn't a reflection of President Trump. That is a reflection of our goofed up, soft, be offended society in which we now find ourselves. What the heck??! I knew the Democrats did this. I didn't think Republicans did.

My first reaction was a desire to find this woman and have a talk with her. We had something in common, after all, and we should be able to converse. I wanted to ask her, just what did you think you were accomplishing? I hadn't said that this was the policy of the company where I worked. I never implied they had a political bias. I thought it was simply a well understood fact that especially a conservative should understand: I don't get paid to talk politics on the job! Period.

I wanted to ask her, Do you realize that you could have gotten me in trouble? And at the very least embarrassed me? Do you care about that? Anyone but yourself and maybe your desire to just create a bit of commotion because that is what seems to be making the news these days - the climate we now live. Are you so sensitive to your support of the President that you feel you need to draw attention to your statement?

I didn't get in trouble, but that is only due to the great company I work for and the awesome boss that I have. You however, Miss Trump 2020 made our whole cause look bad. In your nasty email, you looked just like the "snowflakes" we so often question from the other side. Really? That's how you want Trump supporters to appear?

I would also add (and this is where I will get myself in trouble) your comment, that "[you] are in Idaho, now," I suspect holds the real key to everything. You are in Idaho "NOW". Because you have yet to learn that THAT is not how we do things in Idaho. We are stronger than that, a lot more free...and a heck of a lot more sensible and respectful. But hang in there, keep associating with the right people, praying you understand Idaho soon.

We have snow in Idaho; but not many "snowflakes". Please, don't bring that here. The political climate is out of control. We best get out the shovels.

 

Dare I Say That?

We got some exciting news a few weeks ago. We are going to be grandparents!!

Finally! Dare I say that? Yes. We are the ones that got the whole thing going so late in our lives. lol so I think I can say "finally"! lol

It was cute how the kids told us. I think it was a Saturday afternoon and I got a text from K.

"Do you work today?"

"No," I texted back, "I am off today."

"Are you going to be home?" Curiously musing, now.

"Yes, all day." I replied.

"We will try to stop by for a visit a bit later. We want to bring you a little gift for feeding our horses while we were gone." Suspicious, now; not totally out of character, but not exactly right.

Later that afternoon, they came as promised - carrying a little bag. Sam didn't seem to notice. I did. We sat on the couch a while and caught up on events, but.....something wasn't quite right...they seemed to be looking for an opening. I kept talking...more talkative than usual, I think. I really did want to catch up.

Finally, K & M had a little "Let's just interrupt and get this done," moment. lol  "Well, we brought you something for helping us," K explained and grabbed the bag.

"But wait!" M chimed in. "You have to sit on the couch together. So I can take a picture."

BELLS!!! THIS IS IT! I KNEW.

"Oh you didn't have to do anything," I feigned humility and belief. Ha!

First photo and little sleeper.

Sam was the one to open the bag and he pulled out a little gray sleeper. He turned bright red from excitement when he realized what it meant. He jumped off the couch and ran to hug K. I jumped off the couch and ran to hug M. I got the best hug I have ever had in my life...and tears. Sam and K were laughing. Then we switched hugs and congratulations. And we all laughed! I silently wished I would have gotten dressed, today; or at least put on make up, because M was filming with his phone. :-) When I saw the sleeper, I finally just posed! lol

Sam's most poignant moment? "I just knew when I saw that little sleeper what you were telling us!"

And I laughed even harder...well, duh, I thought. But it was so funny and so real, that I held my tongue. hahaha

Then came the most poignant moment for me. "When is the due date?" I asked.

"June 1st," K unhesitatingly answered. And the date hit my heart, like I had just been given an injection of life. For that was the day my mama had died and this was a God Wink reminding me of the beautiful circle of life.

At this time in my life, He knew I needed that.

We all know that the date is a rough estimation. The baby quite likely won't be born on that exact day. But that's ok. This date was for this moment. And this was my little touch from God. There will be more.

The kids swore us to secrecy for just a few more weeks and we gave our promise. Yesterday, when I got off work, I had received another little text from K. "We have gone public. Let the happy Grandma posts begin!"

Alrighty, then! I went to Facebook. And saw this adorable photo.

 

Oh yeah, this is gonna be fun. Next will be the gender reveal. K is too practical to wait 'til birth. We have preparations to make, after all. It is only wise.

 

I really do like the new trend of the "gender reveals" I think they are so much fun, and I honestly can't wait for that! But it's all ok, because when I saw this photo...pretty doggone sure, I already know. Dare I say that? It kinda just hit my heart.

 

Truthfully, I am thrilled either way. Can you tell?

It Just Seemed Right

I love where I live. I love what we have built here. I love our home. It is a pleasure to take care of all of it. Yes, sometimes I complain. And sometimes I get really, really tired. But the work I have here causes a good tired. There is no stress, no deadlines, no absolute demands, so the work is simply good-feeling, drop-dead tired work.

In past years, I did worry about our hay. I wanted it cut at just the right time, weed free, and a "no-rain" cut. I did stress about that a bit. But I don't worry about it as much any more. As old as we are getting, I no longer expect perfection. I have a "If we don't get what we want, we will just do something else,"  kind of attitude now. It's kinda freeing.

I do still try to do things to the best of my ability. I do not like half-way stuff. It bugs the heck out of me. My grandpa used to say, "If the job's worth doing, it's worth doing right." I can't tell you how many times, when I was working and tired and tempted to give up, that phrase would come running through my head. I would think of Grandpa (and my dad's) perfection and I would tarry on, until I got it right.

The birds are an important part of our life here. I love them. The minute we bought this place and I heard the meadowlarks and saw the bluebirds (both birds from my childhood) I turned into a fanatical old "bird lady". Sometimes I do still stress about the birds. Don't worry though, it's only mildly. But I do take them as my responsibility if they nest here. They are my birds. I want to protect them, aid them and enjoy them. Other than the meadowlarks and bluebirds that I have already mentioned, we have killdeer, mourning doves, northern flickers, and of course the more common birds like sparrows, swallows and robins. We also have chickadees, and this year we had a yellow canary and his mate. That was fun!

The other day I finally made it out to my garden. I hadn't been out there in a couple days due to my job in town. I have a little part time job, that I really enjoy, but sometimes it does run my life. I don't like that part of it so much. That just doesn't seem right. But anyway, I hadn't made it out to my garden for two days, so I wanted to go out and check my cucumbers and beans. I picked a nice bunch of beans and then turned to my cucumbers. I was saddened when as I started to pick, I saw a dead bird between the rows. I looked at it confused. It was whole and fresh. What in the heck could have killed this poor bird. It was a killdeer, I could tell by the long beak. But I wanted to look closer,to try to figure out what could have killed this poor baby. I then looked at the legs to be sure it was a killdeer; I knew the long legs would immediately help me identify it. Now the little body was in no way emaciated or broken down yet, but I still just wasn't sure what kind it was due to the way it was laying, I guess. I couldn't see its head, and his little white belly was facing up. But when I looked at his feet, that is when I saw what I never in a million years would imagine could have happened. One of the runners from the cucumber plant had gotten wrapped around the little bird's foot. It had in effect trapped the bird. When I saw it, I was broken hearted. It was bad enough to find it dead, but when I knew it had suffered, I couldn't help but weep. Why hadn't I heard it call??  Maybe I had, but I ignored it as their persistent call can be pretty frequent. But I was heartbroken. This is the part of living in the country that isn't so much fun.

Now I have found other dead birds before over the years and disposed of them. This is the 3rd one I cried over. The other two were Western Bluebirds. Those stories are for another day. But this little killdeer, was the first one to get a burial. I picked him up with a plastic bag and shovel and took him to my little pet cemetery where I buried him next to Bullet. It just seemed right.

Anyway, I had a lot to do on this day, and I wanted to get to it. I got my lawn mowed and watering caught up. Things I just can't seem to get done if I have to run to town for my little job. I also wanted to finish pulling the obnoxious weed we have acquired in our pasture. MULLEIN! UGH! That weed!

I had already pulled about 2/3rds of the field and was feeling pretty good as I grabbed the 4-wheeler and headed out to the last corner. This had been quite the undertaking in this hot weather. We have discovered there is nothing that kills this weed. We have tried different sprays, we have tried doubling the strength of different sprays. We have tried a mixture of 2-4D and diesel - recommended to us by someone. That worked sort of. A few years ago, I finally got smart and googled to see what is the best way to kill this weed. I learned that the only thing to get rid of this weed, is to make sure your grass comes up in the spring first to choke it out. That makes sense and it truly is the only thing that works. And pulling it out. This summer after we cut our grass and baled hay, the weed started coming up in bare spots where the grass hadn't had time to grow. One step at a time for these pastures to get back to the condition they were in before. Another story for another time.

So anyway, all that to say, this is why I wanted to pull mullein on one of the hottest days of the summer - at least thus far. I don't know if it will help, but it just seemed right. Now, I was almost done and just wanted to finish. I was already tuckered from the garden, mowing the lawn and various other chores I had done through the day, and as I worked, Grandpa's little saying kept running through my head: "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing right."  That encouraged me. And my thoughts began to wander. Now my little "farm" here is nothing compared to a real farm, or my Grandpa's ranch. But still, for me, it gave me a comparison. I couldn't help but wonder what Grandpa thought as he worked those hot days. He must have surely thought about the Garden of  Eden and Adam and Eve bringing the curse on us all. Yes, I know if they hadn't, we would have. But today, I couldn't help but think about the trouble disobedience brings. I bet Grandpa thought about that too, as he worked.

One thing I know, and thought about often during our years on our little hay farm is that farmers realllllllly count on the weather/elements. You know - "Mother Nature". Rather, Father God! And I have always said the one place other than fox holes, where there are no atheists, must be the farms. Pretty sure, farmers pray. It just seems right.

Oh, and about that mullein -  the bees LOVE it. So therein was another dilemma for me. I hated pulling that stuff thinking I was destroying their food source or what ever it is. The bumble bees were thick and they were the biggest bumble bees I have ever seen. I saw a few that were an inch and a half long. UGH! I know people want the bees protected. And I do try not to destroy them.  I guess it is all about the balance. Pretty sure Grandpa thought about this too. But God said to subdue the land. I also have to think about my horses to give them good hay. So I pulled the mullein. Truthfully sometimes I just don't know what is best to do. So I just pulled mullein and buried the dead. It just seemed right. "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing right."

 

 

This!

So our kids grow up; we moms get older, with more leisure time and sometimes we start to wonder about the job we did as mama. I think this probably happens, even if ones kids turn out perfectly fine. At least it happened to me. And sometimes it feels like it still happens a bit too often.

The mistakes that we make come to the forefront of the mind. Regrets seethe and boil and sometimes erupt into a flood of tears; or maybe there is unreleased sorrow, held deeply inside. I have been feeling like this of late. Actually over the years, I have felt like this a lot. So much so, that I often pester the Lord for a sign. "Let me know that I did ok, Lord," I beg. "PLEASE!"

I know I made mistakes. I know I yelled too much, expected too much, didn't pay enough attention...on and on the regrets go. And so I pray...and ask for a sign. I was extremely blessed once with a perfect answer. It seemed the Lord answered my prayer quickly and almost audibly. But this was spoken to my heart: "You did ok, the proof is your son." I bawled like a baby at that. He did, indeed, turn out ok.

But then the doubts and regrets creep upon me again. I am one of the weak. The slow. The doubter. I know at my son's high school graduation, I said something like the following: "If our son turned out ok, it had nothing to do with us. It had everything to do with the Lord and His grace." And I meant it. I still do.

For the last couple of days, regrets have been invading my thoughts once again. I have prayed over and over the last few days. "Lord, did I do ok? Did I hurt my son? Did I embarrass him unnecessarily? Did I hurt his feelings? Did I get sidetracked at the wrong time? Did I pay enough attention? Did I scold at the wrong time? Did I try to see things through the eyes of a child, that I prayed I would from the absolute very beginning? Did I, Lord, did I?"

I have been crying a few tears. Maybe it's too hot. Maybe there has been too much to do, and I am tired and this is how it comes out when I finally have time to shut down. I don't know.

But what I do know is God consistently puts up with my persistent, redundant prayers and answers them in various ways, anyway. Today the answer was in a photo from a friend on Facebook. The photo pierced my heart. It hit hard puncturing what seemed to be a water balloon filled with all my tears. I gushed. Because I could finally say, THIS!!! This is what I know I did without a doubt. This is what I lived and tried and desired from day one of my son's life. I know without a doubt I DID THIS.

And that breaks me down, but brings the release. The tears. The answer. Yes. I yelled too much. Yes, I didn't pay attention at times. Yes, I expected too much from that poor kid. But at least I did this! And I know without a doubt that I did.

I don't think things are ever enough when it comes to our kids. Actions and desires never good enough. Ones kids always deserve the best. ALWAYS. We as parents don't always give it. We fail and we are sorry. And then we fail again.

But this I know. I tried everything to protect my child from the world. I tried to keep away the fiery darts of Satan. I instilled the Word into his heart. I made sure to guard his heart, until he was able to do that on his own. And then I made sure he knew that he needed to guard his heart on his own, when I could no longer be there as he got older.  "Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." I made sure.

 

I helped him understand Jesus and his need for a Savior. Satan will NEVER take that away from me again. This! This I did. And I prayed  and I continue to pray that Jesus will be the Healing Salve for any hurts (all those owies, can't help myself, lol) that I may have unwittingly or carelessly caused.

The person that posted this photo, posted it with a comment that states in part:

 

"Christian mothering has an eternal weight.

Give them Jesus or else the world will grasp them firm."

Eph 6:16
Proverbs 22:6

Truth. And I can't quit looking at that precious little boy in the photo, because I know EXACTLY what that smile, in that moment, feels like.

This!

Inspired Onward

I have had an ongoing feud with someone for a couple of years now. I am not sure "feud" is the right word. Nor is the word "battle" the right word. It isn't my battle. I don't even know the woman and she doesn't know me. "Feud" according to Webster is defined as "a protracted quarrel; vendetta". It isn't my quarrel, and I don't have a vendetta against her, but maybe she has one against me. "Vendetta" - a hereditary blood battle between two families." Nope. That isn't it. Certainly, no family here....just bad blood.

What it is, I guess, is harassment. A couple years ago, a woman started attacking my husband in the local newspaper. She was saying things in letters to the editor that were not true. She was doing things in the community with obvious lies behind them. When her attacks and lies hit the local paper, I corrected them. I tried to do so politely, as I believe that is always the best way. It became very ugly. Her lies were destructive and mean. My corrections only antagonized her more. What I pointed out was true. She didn't like that and became even more vengeful.

This went on for a few months. Now, over 2 years later, I have to be very careful of this woman. We both follow the same community page on Facebook. I cannot comment on this page without her bringing an attack. She has called me a liar, without character and integrity, and honestly I don't remember everything she has said there. Each time, I defend myself. It is in my nature. It is who I am. I do not let untruths stand. I never have.

Yesterday, the attacks from this woman started again. It had to do with a post of which I was concerned on this local page. I hadn't posted any comments on this page for sometime, due to the fact that I knew this woman, no matter what I would say, would come back at me. She could be in agreement with  me over an issue, but she would still attack. So it was simply easier to "follow" the local news, without commenting.

But the post a few days ago, was important to me. I carefully checked and she had not been there with a "like" or a comment. It had been a couple days since the original post had been made. I thought it might be safe. I thought that maybe it had been long enough that she would feel silly to attack me now. I was wrong. I posted a couple comments and I felt I was having a good discussion with a few of the locals. I tried to be positive and constructive with my comments. The next day, I used the pronoun "we" in one of my posts to express community agreement and involvement over the issue we were discussing. And then BAM all of a sudden she was there!

"You are nothing but a liar, [insert my full name here]." (Something to that effect. I wish I would have "print-screened" the conversation.) "You have done nothing to help this situation and there you are taking credit for all of it. You have no character or integrity."

I responded of course; politely, but telling this woman to leave me and my family alone. I told her, I stay away from her posts and comments and I expected the same respect from her. I told her she didn't even know me or anything that I had done over the years to support my community, even if I hadn't been involved with this particular issue one on one. In my opinion, bringing any awareness at all, is to help. I politely told her that.

Back she came, with something like "You are a liar. And there is no one I know in [insert name of state] with less integrity than you." Again not a direct quote, but the essence of her statement.

 "Where have I lied, D?" I responded. "Please tell me and everyone reading here exactly where I have lied."
 

She didn't answer my question. Instead she edited her previous post to look less like an accusation and like it fit better into the conversation with her new edit.

I wasn't surprised. This woman had done that before in my dealings with her. She is above nothing to make me look bad and herself look righteous. She is constantly attacking and belittling people - not just me, but anyone who she perceives as someone who is opposed to her. It doesn't even have to be someone who disagrees. We actually hold the same opinion on the issue. At least her stated opinion, but her actions actually show otherwise. It is like she is working for the good of the opposing side with her actions. Often times, her attacks on others are condescending and mocking. She likes to appear superior.

As a side note, she seems to me to be well versed in how to publicly attack someone. She knows exactly how to distort the truth, change the answer of the one responding into something that isn't true, and then take everything off the original topic. I have watched her do it time and time again. It is a learned skill. It is a common practice done by those in politics and media to distort and confuse people and the issue. She does it with practiced perfection. I recognized it immediately with any of her dealings. She is akin to a professional antagonizer. It is my belief, she has learned this skill to perfection. Saul Alinsky tactics at work. But back to the issue at hand.

I commented one more time, and actually right now, I can't remember what I said. I think it was another warning for her to leave me and my family alone. I remember, I added something like "You would do well to stay away from me and my family -  in Christian love, of course."

I remember that part of my statement because I intentionally wanted to bring this up. This woman had previously claimed to be a Christian. I guess this statement was a dig at her of sorts. Probably shouldn't have done that, but neither did I want her to be able to use anything I said as a threat. Because I knew she would run with that if she could. This was my final comment. I posted a total of 3 comments. She, of course, had to have the last word.

I honestly don't think I have ever dealt with a more unhappy person. I don't think I have ever had anyone hate me so much or throw about so many baseless and public lies about me. For the most part, things like this are usually like water on a ducks back for me...it runs off and doesn't bother me.

This time, I suppose it was a little different. It had been constant defamation for over 2 years. I had tried to stay away from her. Purposefully never commenting on our local page due to the expectation of her attacks - simply by precedent. I was growing weary of it. And no one came to my defense. No one got involved. No little "likes" to encourage one way or the other. No action from the Administrator or the Moderator of the page. Nothing. Just lies and attacks left to stand.

Eventually the comments were removed by the Administrator of the page, and the complete post removed as well. This is why I no longer have access to the conversation. The woman had upset at least 3 or 4 other people with her attacks on their opinions as well. For some, it had resorted in name calling. I finally privately complained to the Administrator which is why the post was eventually removed. At first the Administrator told me just to "block" this person and that she would block her too. I didn't believe that would happen. Something just didn't feel right in that statement. When I told her that I didn't want to block this person, because then this person would be free to say anything at all about me and my family without my knowledge, the Administrator instead blocked me from the page. Small community. Maybe they are friends; I don't know. I knew I was taking a risk by reporting it. "I don't want any drama", the administrator had said. OK, right. This woman is attacking people left and right, but I am the one bringing drama cause I reported it. No big deal. I can live without this page.

Now, I know when one comments in the public realm, one should expect rude attacks. Sadly, that is what happens in this day and age. (No, I don't think it used to be this bad.) But this was a local page. Surely someone I knew saw the comments. Or even if no one I knew saw the comments, isn't there anyone that would correct her? Interject an opinion about her rude behavior? Maybe say something like "Everyone is entitled to their opinion." Anything?

When I see someone being attacked unfairly, I usually speak up. A polite caution. or maybe only a "like" just to encourage the one in the heat of the battle. That is who I am. I am thankful for that. I never want to be the silent one. The motto on my Facebook page is "It isn't words that kill, it is silence." Elie Wiesel - a Jewish man who had lived through the Holocaust. That says everything to me. Never Again!  

Anyway, I decided to write about this today. I guess it bothered me enough, I wanted to express why....maybe not even for the reader, but just for myself. Why did this get to me this time? But in truth, this isn't about me - or at least, shouldn't be. Sadly, this is what we have become.

It's President's Day. Think of our President! He endures this kind of treatment day after day, after day; multiple times a day! Think of that! Think of how exhausting that must be! Those who oppose him were calling for his impeachment before he ever even took the oath of office. Ponder that, please! A constant barrage of lies and threats! "Yes, I have thought of blowing up the White House," from a well known singer. A mock likeness of a decapitated head from a famous comedian. On and on it goes. How does he endure that? His family has been attacked, his wife, his kids; anyone who has shown any support for him has to endure attempts to be brought down. How does anyone not respond to that? I suppose it is the ones that do speak up, that keep him encouraged. It must be a deeply held belief that one is in the absolute right to be able to face the stage and the drama day in and day out and still stay the course.

I don't think the Bible teaches silence. Yes, there were times Jesus was silent and we are to be like Him. "Like a lamb to the slaughter." His willingness to go to the Cross and even actually crawled to get there. His refusal to speak out against those who came for Him. He knew the reason. It was for a purpose. It was for the good of all mankind. Let us NEVER compare ourselves to that! Thank God for that kind of Love!!! We must always seek the full counsel of the Word of God. In the here and now, we are never to let evil succeed, as we sit back in apathy and silence.

We are neck deep in evil today. The slaughter of innocent babies; human trafficking and the refusal to do what needs to be done to correct that situation; the attacks on the Christian faith; the legalization of dangerous drugs; the disrespect for the rule of law; the attack of innocent people; the disruption of truth; the acceptance of moral decadence; the attack on marriage and families; the ignorance of our Constitution...on and on it goes.

And we don't feel it is right to speak up? I don't understand that.

Anyway, I am a tough girl. I know what I am in for when I speak publicly my opinions. I know I will be attacked. It's all good. But I guess I just didn't know I would never be defended.

 

On a personal level, I guess that's what this is about for me. But on the deeper level, I am tired. I am tired of the silence. I am tired of the acceptance - the defeatist attitude that nothing can be done so why try. I am tired of the attacks on that which is good and the acceptance of evil. I am tired of an upside down world. I don't want to be a part of that. I don't want to fall into an acceptance of that. I want to speak. Please, Lord, never be let it said of me that I didn't try.

Out of this - this incredibly ugly woman (yes, I mean that, sorry) - I guess I am inspired, at least I want to be. I hope I will always defend the defenseless and speak about that which is wrong. She will not silence me. She, for me, is the representative image - the exact incarnation-  of that which the world has become and what I want to fight against. That image inspires me to keep the battle and never give up.

Bring on the arrows. I am continuing onward.

An Awareness of Life

I had gone to bed early, tired from working all day, but mostly I was bored with television and wanted to read. Try as I might, I couldn't stay awake even to get through one chapter.

I slept soundly, but about 1:00 am the bedroom door opened allowing light to pierce the darkness. But it was mostly the concerned voice that wakened me.

"Come help, there's a horse in the pasture."  

I found my mental bearings, realizing the light was nothing to fear and it was only my husband at the door. But we had a small emergency. Well, maybe not an emergency, but something that needed attention before it would become one.

Arly Blue

We have a rule at our house that if something happens at night which takes the other outside or away from home, one will alert the other for safety's sake. We started that when I had elderly parents with frequent nightly emergency runs. So I was glad my husband woke me. He had been up watching a movie, when he saw a strange shadow that didn't belong pass in front of the big picture window, he later told me.

I grabbed my robe, leaving my slippers behind, and followed my husband down the hall.

He was already dressed with boots and jacket on and he wasn't about to wait for me. Arly followed him out the door. By the time I got my jacket, gloves and boots on he was already at the pasture gate. Arly was pacing the fence line to the barn with Juliee (my mare) prancing along side him. Only the fence came between them.

I walked down the would-be path, now covered in drifts of new snow and actually no longer a path at all. The snow was falling in rapid, small flakes. It was a dry snow...the kind that won't make even a small snowball. The sky was eerily bright. It was actually very beautiful, with enough light that I could see it was indeed our Misty in the hay pasture. She was not liking being separated from the pasture in which she belongs, her barn, and most of all her best buddy, Juliee.  She ran up and down the fence-line pausing periodically at the gate to rear and buck a little each time to show Sam her disdain for the situation.

Not being a clear headed night riser, I chose to go around to the other gate in an attempt to join them. Sam had simply stepped over the fence. As I ran toward the gate, I suddenly fell flat on my face. My back arched to a degree that I thought surely I had broken it.

"Aurggh", I yelled, or something to that effect anyway.

My foot had hit a frozen snow bank in front of the gate that would take me to not the hay pasture, but the pasture where Misty should be. Then I would work my way over to the hay pasture where Misty and Sam now were. Sam had piled snow in front of this gate - Misty's gate - long ago, making a clear space for the horses while also making a path to the barn for me.

Fortunately there was a nice cushion of new snow on top of the icy bank, softening my fall.

I slowly tried to get up, still not certain my back wasn't broke. The frozen bank I had fallen into, actually made the getting up off the ground easier. I wasn't so far down as I would have been. Nope...no broken bones. Ha! Maybe I jarred something back into place. I think I now stood straighter.

Through all of this, Sam had still not been able to open the gate to the hay pasture. "Grab the shovel," he yelled to me. "It's in the barn."

Back at the barn, I turned on the little battery light we had strategically placed inside the barn door and easily found the shovel. I was tempted to stop and grab some hay or grain for Juliee as she was following my every step with excited expectancy. But I quickly realized instead, that I should indulge her a bit later.

This time, I didn't try to go through the gate to Misty's home pasture. The snow had piled up in front of the fence line enough that I could easily step over the fence as Sam had. He was calming Misty now as he waited for me.

That girl! I thought to myself. She has the most loving, vulnerable side to her that I just always want to protect...but what the heck? Why tonight on the worst storm of the year did she decide to go gallivanting about?



A Few Drifts

Using his hands and feet, Sam had cleared a good portion of the snow away by the time I got there with the shovel. But the shovel would help him get the rest of it that sat on a layer of ice which was in fact, the thing that was preventing the gate from opening. The gate was frozen solid in the ice keeping it from being even slightly moved. As Sam chipped away with the shovel, this time Misty waited patiently. She was calmed by my voice and my presence. I could tell it. She knows Sam, but she loves me best. ;-) She trusts me.

We both knew that once that gate opened we had better stand back, because she was going to wildly bolt through it back to the security of her home. I was relieved when the gate finally broke loose. I did not want her to stay through the night in weather like this away from all facets of her security.

When the gate finally broke loose, it opened easily and we both got our of her way. I laughed as she ran straight to her little shelter.

"Let's get them some hay and grain", I said to my husband. "That will calm them both and keep them in their shelters out of the weather as they eat."

So I got Juliee's meal first, as I always do. Mainly just to get her out of my way, but she had been waiting patiently, too, in all of this excitement.

Shake It Off

I then handed some hay and grain to Sam who had stayed on Misty's side of the fence. We keep the horses separated with a fence of barb free wire. Because as much as Misty does love Juliee (and she does), she picks on her if they are not separated with a barrier.

I stopped a moment to listen to the horses munching their grain. I looked up at the sky. Truly it was a beautiful night, and the biting cold we had had the last few days was now covered with the warmth of a blanket of snowy clouds. As I walked back to the house, I walked slowly, looking about and wondering why in the world I didn't get up periodically in the middle of the night to go for a walk. Or at least just come sit outside to enjoy it. Despite the storm, it was so peaceful! So beautiful! Wow. This is why we live here, I thought. This is why we do what we do. This, right here, was the best night of the winter. What is it, about that? How does a jarring call in the night turn into a moment of  "There is nothing I would rather do," and one of my favorite moments of the new year?



The Next Day - But Storms Still Coming In

 

Caring for something you love is the biggest part of it, I guess. But slowing down to think about the creation of God, sometimes has to come out of the things one might initially think of as difficult.

 

Sounds cliché, I know. And it seems like such a little, unimportant thing to blog....really no big deal. But it's my life..."We do not remember days, we remember moments"...and it is moments like these that I treasure most.

Here's to stormy nights, frightened horses, sudden falls and the momentary awareness of life.

She Saw The Mountains

The sky was a clear and brilliant blue; the January sun sparkled on the lingering snow. The mountains, cloaked in a cover of white, stood strongly, miles beyond the prairie that I so love. They stand surrounding the prairie like the walls of a protective fortress. My husband and I drove without conversation, only listening to Ronnie Dunn on the radio. It wasn't the influence of his lyrics that impacted my reflection today, though I am sure they contributed in part. Unexpectedly, quiet tears began to fall down my face.

I had driven this drive many, many times over the years. My love of the prairie goes to the deepest recesses of my youth with memories that are always ready to come to the surface, should I allow them.

Today, those memories were of my mama. It was without fail that she commented on this very same scene every single time we drove it. "Look at those mountains!" she would exclaim without fail. "Oh, those mountains are so beautiful, today."

She loved the mountains. She was a North Idaho girl from birth. She was raised in the majestic beauty of the North Country. Never did it leave her soul.

"Yes, but look at the prairie!" I would answer. I loved the expanse of it, the blue grass (or whatever it was in later years that might be growing) which seemed to spread for miles before reaching the base of any of our mountains. The scent of mint, or freshly cut hay; the swish, swish, swish of irrigation sprinklers as crops were watered in summertime. It was all of those things that simply exaggerated my emotions,  heightened by all of my 5 senses, every time I passed this way.

But today, I remembered Mama. I could see her in my mind, riding shotgun next to me as I drove - to town, to doctor appointment; to coffee or lunch - wherever it was, we might be going. I could hear her soft, gentle voice, as she commented on the mountain view that she loved. Soft, yet pleased; always ready to enjoy whatever moment it was that she was then experiencing.

I have thought of these moments many times over the years and smiled at our differing point of reference. It was the exact same scene, but viewed through a different lens, a different heart. And yet, somehow it was the same. She saw the mountains, I saw the prairie. But yet it was the exact same landscape. What was different was the focal point of our attention; what was the same, was a panorama of beauty bringing the joy of creation, and appreciation of the area in which we live. Same view, different perspective. Truly, one is enhanced by the splendor of the other. Seems like there might be a lesson in that.

 

But today, things were just a bit different for me, thus the tears. Today, I realized that perhaps just enjoying the moment, (which I am guilty of not doing well enough) is something I should do more of - just like Mama. In this moment, I was missing every part of who she was.

 

And in all of that, on this day, it was very, very important for me to simply see the mountains.

The Things That Call Us Home

Christmas was a bit different for us this year. It wasn't bad; quite the contrary. It turned out to be extremely special, but it was different. It was the kids' turn to go to the other set of parents this year, so this would be my first Christmas without Matt. With both my folks being gone now, truthfully, I wanted something different. I wanted solitude. I'm not sure why, but in retrospect, it was more than that. It actually seemed like I was being called "home".  

Maybe it was just that the Lord knew that was where my heart was this year. I don't know. But we went "home". And it was a series of God Winks that made the day very, very special.

Bonners had never been the home where I had actually lived. But my Mom always called it "home" while my siblings and I were growing up, so in my heart that is the place that most feels like home to me. A sense of roots, I guess. It was wear she grew up. And it's a place where I only have happy memories. Truthfully, I can't think of a bad recollection there. I am not going to try too hard, because I have made a storybook of memories in my mind, that I do not want to invade or encroach with something anything less than positive.

In some ways, our visit was planned; in some ways, it was purely happenstance. We fed both sets of animals and while on the last set, I told my husband..."Let's go to Bonners in time to hear the noon whistle."

"Ok, well we better get going, then". Not even a second thought from him. That was the first God Wink among many that would take place on this day.

So I quickly showered and dressed - excited for the day. He was ready before me and waiting patiently, having all necessary errands completed.

"Should I take the Poinsettia?" I asked him. Several day ago, we had bought a beautiful two shaded Poinsettia to take to my parents grave in the event we were able to go around Christmas. "It will probably just go to waste," my practical side suddenly appeared. "I hadn't thought about it, but it will probably freeze the first night."

"Yes, it will. But whatever you want to do." More agreement - Yikes!

I left the Poinsettia on the table, but we weren't far down the road when I regretted it. "Maybe if Super One is open we will stop and see if there is a wreathe or something there."

 "They'll be open. They always are," he amicably responded.

 

The drive up was beautiful. The sky mostly blue and the trees snow covered. There were only a few snow flurries from time to time. Just enough to make it feel like Christmas and the road only snow covered in a few places. I had worried a bit about the weather and the roads. "You know," I reminisced aloud, "I don't think I ever remember my folks considering the weather or roads. Back then, we just went."

I probably wouldn't have driven myself, but my husband had been a professional driver for years. I didn't need to worry about his capability to get us there and back safely.

Another thought came to me. This was probably the first time I had been north on Christmas in probably 40 or more years. It felt like we were entering a Winter Wonderland. A Christmas card view at every turn. It was all cathartic, and restful with unexpected joy.

I realized we would be pushing it to make it in time for the noon whistle. But I really wanted to stop and look for a wreathe or something to bring to my parents' graves. I could ask my husband to go down to listen to the whistle first and come back up the hill to the store after we spent some time downtown. But I really didn't want to take advantage of his good nature thus far.

Super One looked deserted, we pulled in anyway. I got out to read the sign in order to be certain. "Closed Christmas day." Oh well nothing could dampen my spirits today.  I jumped into the car, and a1/4 mile later, I exclaimed, "Oh, look Safeway is open! Turn in!"

"Just let me out at the door. I think I have time to grab something and still make it in time for the whistle." I ran (yes, literally) down to the floral section and my eye landed on the cutest little, most perfect little Christmas tree anywhere complete with a weather-worthy Christmas North Star. 50% off! Wink, right back at Ya, dear God! Thank you!

"50% off," I explained to my husband as I got in the car. But he seemed as excited about the little tree as I was. I read the little tag." Bring inside when temps get lower than 15 degrees." The little tree would be just fine....maybe a deer snack...but it wasn't going to freeze, tonight or even this week.

"We still have 6 minutes! Drive down Main Street and park in front of the little park. I want to sit on the bench and listen and take it all in." I suggested/ordered/pleaded. lol

He obliged without hesitation.

The street was empty, of course, but the little park was festively decorated and I had time to snap a few pictures. Suddenly I stopped...there it was. What is it about that whistle?! It literally brought tears to my eyes. I hit record on my camera and caught it from beginning to end. "Grandma, it's noon!" And I am here for Christmas once again.

Thankful my husband pretended not to see my tears, I lingered just a bit longer before saying "Let's go up to the cemetery now."

"Here kitty, kitty, kitty!" There was a deer in the famous spot today. She looked up at us, but showed no fear. "You don't have to stop." I didn't want to worry about the car getting started again on the snowy hill, but actually the height had never seemed so minimal. Why did I always think this was so steep? I wondered to myself.

All the gates were open, the road plowed. We took our time - took photos and enjoyed the views. My husband wiped off the headstone and we placed the hearty little pine tree there. Against the pure, white snow, the stone never looked so blue and I was so thankful we had chosen that color of stone. Truly beautiful and fitting. We wandered a bit, snapped more photos and enjoyed the beautiful, peaceful setting.

"I'm starved! Let's eat!"

 There was room for us at "The Inn" as it has come to be known to locals. "Where would you like to sit" the hostess asked us. "Oh we get to choose? By the window, please!" Mama and Daddy would have loved this. We got the best seat in the house.

"What can I bring you to drink?" she asked us.

 "Myrtle Creek! And coffee!" Aahhhh, Myrtle Creek.

There were only 3 things on the menu - all traditional for Christmas. But that was perfectly ok. Because that is what we wanted  - a traditional Christmas dinner. My husband chose the turkey and ham, but I simply wanted the ham. We both ignored the prime rib...for another time. Both dinners came complete with all the trimmings. It was delicious.

One more God Wink before I end. And I might love this one the best...So funny, soooooo God.

I had felt somewhat guilty and sorry for the people that had to work Christmas Day. I had remembered my paternal grandpa who would not ever shop on Sunday or a holiday, because he would then be contributing to the fact that he was a part of making these people work on the Sabbath. I have always been way more lax about shopping on Sundays. Never giving it much thought, even having to work that day myself. God's grace is bigger than that, (Grandpa knew that well) but I understand and respect my Grandpa's convictions. Truth is, I really did not want to think about making someone work on Christmas, either. People should be home with their families.

When our waitress brought our meal I was surprised to hear my husband apologizing that she had to work on Christmas Day.

"Oh, I don't mind," she laughed. "I'm Jewish! And I already celebrated Hannukah a few days ago." And I could not help but laugh with her, and acknowledge a bit of a G-d Wink. This one Jewish. ;-)

The service could NOT have been better or the day more perfect.

"I hope I am not going to die." I jokingly said to my husband. "I can't imagine why He did this for me. Everything just fell into place."

We finished our meal, but took our time. We enjoyed the view and some pumpkin pie and I reminisced Christmases and summers and family and love.

After we left The Inn, we drove through the old fashioned little town again, and went up on the dike road to look at the river. "How high's the water, Mama?" I took a few more photos, before getting back into the car to drive down the road to Grandma and Grandpa's. It doesn't look the same of course, but it was the action of it I needed to do.

We circled back under the little railroad bridge and I told my husband the day was perfect, we could head back in order to be home before dark. It was but a few hours we spent, all wrapped up was the gift of a life time and the things that call us home.