This!

So our kids grow up; we moms get older, with more leisure time and sometimes we start to wonder about the job we did as mama. I think this probably happens, even if ones kids turn out perfectly fine. At least it happened to me. And sometimes it feels like it still happens a bit too often.

The mistakes that we make come to the forefront of the mind. Regrets seethe and boil and sometimes erupt into a flood of tears; or maybe there is unreleased sorrow, held deeply inside. I have been feeling like this of late. Actually over the years, I have felt like this a lot. So much so, that I often pester the Lord for a sign. "Let me know that I did ok, Lord," I beg. "PLEASE!"

I know I made mistakes. I know I yelled too much, expected too much, didn't pay enough attention...on and on the regrets go. And so I pray...and ask for a sign. I was extremely blessed once with a perfect answer. It seemed the Lord answered my prayer quickly and almost audibly. But this was spoken to my heart: "You did ok, the proof is your son." I bawled like a baby at that. He did, indeed, turn out ok.

But then the doubts and regrets creep upon me again. I am one of the weak. The slow. The doubter. I know at my son's high school graduation, I said something like the following: "If our son turned out ok, it had nothing to do with us. It had everything to do with the Lord and His grace." And I meant it. I still do.

For the last couple of days, regrets have been invading my thoughts once again. I have prayed over and over the last few days. "Lord, did I do ok? Did I hurt my son? Did I embarrass him unnecessarily? Did I hurt his feelings? Did I get sidetracked at the wrong time? Did I pay enough attention? Did I scold at the wrong time? Did I try to see things through the eyes of a child, that I prayed I would from the absolute very beginning? Did I, Lord, did I?"

I have been crying a few tears. Maybe it's too hot. Maybe there has been too much to do, and I am tired and this is how it comes out when I finally have time to shut down. I don't know.

But what I do know is God consistently puts up with my persistent, redundant prayers and answers them in various ways, anyway. Today the answer was in a photo from a friend on Facebook. The photo pierced my heart. It hit hard puncturing what seemed to be a water balloon filled with all my tears. I gushed. Because I could finally say, THIS!!! This is what I know I did without a doubt. This is what I lived and tried and desired from day one of my son's life. I know without a doubt I DID THIS.

And that breaks me down, but brings the release. The tears. The answer. Yes. I yelled too much. Yes, I didn't pay attention at times. Yes, I expected too much from that poor kid. But at least I did this! And I know without a doubt that I did.

I don't think things are ever enough when it comes to our kids. Actions and desires never good enough. Ones kids always deserve the best. ALWAYS. We as parents don't always give it. We fail and we are sorry. And then we fail again.

But this I know. I tried everything to protect my child from the world. I tried to keep away the fiery darts of Satan. I instilled the Word into his heart. I made sure to guard his heart, until he was able to do that on his own. And then I made sure he knew that he needed to guard his heart on his own, when I could no longer be there as he got older.  "Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." I made sure.

 

I helped him understand Jesus and his need for a Savior. Satan will NEVER take that away from me again. This! This I did. And I prayed  and I continue to pray that Jesus will be the Healing Salve for any hurts (all those owies, can't help myself, lol) that I may have unwittingly or carelessly caused.

The person that posted this photo, posted it with a comment that states in part:

 

"Christian mothering has an eternal weight.

Give them Jesus or else the world will grasp them firm."

Eph 6:16
Proverbs 22:6

Truth. And I can't quit looking at that precious little boy in the photo, because I know EXACTLY what that smile, in that moment, feels like.

This!